High School Musical on Ice

September 21, 2007
Knoxville TN
Location: Knoxville Civic Coliseu
Event: Disney's High School Musical, The Ice Tour

There is a maxim often discussed with children and the ethically suspect that "Two wrongs don't make a right." Disney gallantly proved that statement and made it tangible by taking two unfortunate entities--High School Musical and Ice Capades--to create a program that causes more cerebral damage than either show alone could possibly muster; this suggests a new, more appropriate maxim that "two wrongs make one absolutely horrendous, life-crushing wrong." That one was required to pay upwards of $25 for this ordeal, which sold out so quickly that more shows were added to the run, proves another maxim, one regarding the birth-rate of suckers.

As we took our seats amongst screaming children, who apparently believed the real stars of HSM were going to be lacing up their skates, Disney kept us entertained with a "Pop Quiz" about the shows. Apparently one's ability to retain arcane trivia about juvenile pablum is cause for bragging, at least in our group; I only wish an ability to remember homework assignments or simple subtraction facts was as important. This quiz was actually the most fun I had all evening, as I provided answers to questions that I think would have greatly improved the shows.

Question: "What do Troy and Gabriella swap just before New Year's?" My answer: "Punches." Real answer: "Cell numbers."

Question: "What song do Troy and Gabriella sing at callbacks?" My answer: "Meine Tochter Nimmer Mehr, the Queen of the Night's aria from the second act of the Magic Flute, translated from the German to mean 'My daughter nevermore.'" Real answer: "Breaking Free." (You have to admit, I was close on that one)

Michael got to do a big eye-roll when the question was "What are West High's colors?" I shouted out "Turquoise and Aquamarine," at which point Michael said, "Dad, didn't you see all the red and white souvenirs?" Cue eye-rolling.

As the first example of the lack of creativity--or even apparent effort at same--by the HSM team, we found out that the West High's big rival is...(drumroll, please)...EAST HIGH! Doesn't bode well for the muse.

We're then told that "THE SHOW IS GOING TO START IN TWO MINUTES! ARE YOU READY?" I text Jodie "No. I'm not nearly drunk enough." (I have to text Jodie because, despite the fact that we are technically together, there is approximately 15 feet of screaming children between us). I then panic that I sent that message to the wrong number and one of our party guests' parents is going to be waiting for us with the police after the show.

So the lights go down, skaters dressed as high schoolers (remember how realistic the teenagers were in "Grease"? Imagine them skating) flood the arena, and the crowd goes wild. Some skaters are on bikes, others are on contraptions made to look like skateboards, most are in shorts and miniskirts, and you realize the inherent flaw in having a show set in New Mexico take place on the ice. Aren't these people freezing?

Just so we know who's who--remember kids, Zac, Vanessa, and Corbin are not really here--they are introduced as they come flying onto the ice. The crowd goes wild, particularly for "Troy Bolton." I'm momentarily cynically appreciating the social cues that lead children to scream for someone not famous playing someone famous, until I remember that we use the same psychology when we do our Elvis show in Turkey, Spain and even Knoxville, which I enjoy quite a bit. I'm justifiably humiliated by my hypocrisy.

Theoretical question for everyone: if a television movie that lasts about 90 minutes is performed on ice in 45 minutes but feels more like two and a half hours, is it longer or shorter than the original? They were booking through songs and blazing through expositions like nobody's business, but when I looked at my watch they had only been on the ice for 15 minutes! I have never prayed to be temporarily afflicted with ADHD so hard in my life, but seeing the show induced ADHD (if not outright psychosis) already, so it was a no-win situation. Fireworks, blaring music, approximately 20 skaters (Jodie informed me later that it only seemed like a hundred): there's nowhere to distract your attention to!

For those of you not familiar with the HSM plot--oh please, you've seen it a million times. Basketball player wants to woo a girl and sings with her to audition for a musical, then has to play tough so his friends don't think he's a wuss. Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story, Grease, it's all the same. HSM, though, didn't involve quite as much creative effort as, say, Shakespeare. In what I think is a brilliant maneuver, most of the music is ostensibly written by one of the show's characters, a teenager herself. It's hard to be overly-critical of this pap because you're thinking, "Well, it was all written by a teenager, and not all teenagers have the songwriting capabilities of, say, Debbie Gibson." I began fantasizing about writing a musical starring a 5-year-old child prodigy, with the question being, "Is this child really a prodigy?" All pressure for a memorable score is off!

Troy and Gabriella's big competition in the try-outs? A brother and sister pair who never lose auditions (although it is noted that no other pairs ever try out, and in this high school you can only audition for the leads with a partner, so they choose pairs as leads, as opposed to finding the best individual male and female leads, perhaps through a nationally televised talent competition, which is apparently the new casting method for Broadway). Why a brother and sister? Well, the female lead has to have a crush on Troy, so she can't be "partners" with her partner. The obvious solution to this is to make the male partner gay--he is in theater, after all, and has a fetish for "jazz squares"--but this is a Disney show, so it's her brother. Now, we all know that siblings never audition well together, as evidenced by Robyn and I failing in our joint audition for "The Sound of Music" as children. I'm convinced that we were never Von Trapps because Robyn mistakenly told the pianist that he was playing our song--"Jesus Walked this Lonesome Valley"--incorrectly, when he wasn't (the fact that we look awfully Mediterranean clearly had nothing to do with this casting decision).

Okay, so not only do this sibling duo always win parts even though their songs are unbearably cheesy (another good strategy for avoiding criticism of your music. Criticize it yourself as part of the show, recognizing that you know it's crap), but they also get to schedule audition times. Of course they do. When do they hold the callbacks? Well, West High apparently has a government official or similarly impaired individual scheduling their events, because it just so happens the state championship basketball game (against, again, East High, who apparently beat out North High to make it this far) is scheduled at the same time as the finals of the Math Decathalon (Gabriella's forte), so let's put the callbacks then too. Then we have a drama teacher who is apparently clueless that the school is playing for both the state championships in math and basketball at that moment and almost disqualifies our heroes for not being there on time (why isn't everyone support ing their team in the championship game? Apparently there's not much school spirit at West High). Fortunately, after Gabriella solves a mathematical equation in record time, winning the decathalon, another character causes a power outage, halting the basketball game, allowing Troy and Gabriella to race down to callbacks to sing "Meine Tochter Nimmer Mehr" (the highlight of the show for me) and win the parts. Then Troy races back to the court and makes a last-second shot from mid-ice to win the basketball game.

Yes, you read that last sentence correctly (you're still reading this? Are you a glutton for punishment? See if HSM The Ice Tour, aka HSM: The Ice Tour (can't use initials there.This is Disney!), is coming to your hometown!). They could not alter the story enough to even make this a hockey game, which would have made much more sense and might have led to some actual goals, as opposed to seeing men on skates trying to make lay-ups. You wonder how either team ever made it to the finals (perhaps North and South high students were all busy auditioning for school plays and had to forfeit). Also, I think Gabriella definitely had the inside track over Troy here: it's much easier to solve math equations on ice than try to play basketball.

Then it's intermission. I'm in a panic. They just did the whole freakin' musical! What's next, doing it again so we can appreciate the nuances we missed during the initial onslaught? Doing it backwards to create an existential question of whether it was even actually performed? Plus...IT FEELS LIKE WE'VE ALREADY BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT! I text Robyn to express my dismay and receive back the best line of the night: "Take heart. At least it's not Turning Point on ice!" My sister, in a spontaneous moment likely conceived while sitting on the couch watching TV, comes up with a better line than anything in an ostensibly planned and rehearsed production. Sigh.

Well, it turns out the second act is High School Musical 2, where the whole gang is hired by the brother/sister duo to work at their house/country club for the summer, and the big conflict is the sister's increased crush on Troy, singling him out for cushy jobs while his friends have to do grunt work. She also wants him to perform at the annual talent show with her instead of with Gabriella (doesn't everyone plan talent shows at their country clubs in the middle of the summer?). Drama abounds! Plus, it is now summer, so we have to play golf and baseball on skates instead of basketball. It looks easier to glide around the basepaths than try to hit layups, so that's a positive, but the skating skills of this troupe make the choreography worrisome: imagine if the zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video were swinging around baseball bats and you get the image. Put them on skates and there is pandemonium just waiting to happen.

Did I mention that the skaters weren't that good? Particularly Troy? Apparently it was more important that he look at least passingly like Zac Efron than that he be able to skate. This became glaringly apparent during the duets with the Vanessa wanna-be in which she is doing double toe-loops (or Saukows, or Axels, or cartwheels, or whatever they're called) and he's...hopping. Granted, having to skate while holding a (non-working) microphone, playing basketball, or pretending to swim is probably quite difficult (I never saw Dorothy Hamill or Sasha Cohen try to hit jumpshots during a routine!), but doesn't that give further creedence to the belief that this whole concept was wrong in the first place? On the other hand, I didn't see any skaters...other than Troy...fall. They actually had one good skater, or at least a guy who closed the show with a back-flip. I don't know where he was the rest of the night; apparently he was hired as the back-flip guy. But he landed it!

It was also important that Troy have good abs, since his clothes are ripped off--on the ice, BRR!--during the performance for a costume change. Of course, I was watching that thinking, "I thought that was supposed to happen to the Vanessa Hudgens character." It was not important that any of the characters be able to sing, or even speak, as the entire show (with one exception) was lip-synched. (The one exception was the teenage "composer" saying hi to Knoxville and asking for a title for her new song, which everyone had already heard and knew by heart. I yelled out "Meine Tochter nimmer mehr," but she didn't hear me. Cue another eye-roll from Michael.) Wouldn't you expect lip-synched vocals to be in tune? I mean, even Britney's vocals were on pitch. HSM The Ice Tour? Not so much. I will say, this group had their arm motions down. They waved around so much I wondered if they were supposed to be taking flight as well as skating.

Apparently the composer blew his creative load in the first show, as he discovered the concept of the Reprise in HSM2. First the song is played by the teenage writer; then messed up by the diva sister; then performed correctly by Troy and Gabriella; then sung by the entire cast to close the show. A three minute song accounted for almost 15 minutes of music. Well done! I did enjoy a line sung by the diva sister: "Iced tea imported from England; lifeguards imported from Spain; towels imported from Turkey; Turkeys imported from Maine." I'm thinking, 'You know, I was recently in Turkey. They're not known for towels. "Hookahs imported from Turkey" may have been scandalous, but BOY would that have made the show more interesting!

Oh, by the way, Jordan loved it. Isn't that the most important thing?