Why I'd Make a Better Boyfriend than Jack Bauer

From January 2007, aka Season 6

With the re-entry of '24' into our lives, Jodie has again been hinting at her crush on Jack Bauer/Keifer Sutherland. This crush seems to deepen and intensify with each passing season, starting (I imagine) as a private daydream in the first season before moving into more subtle expression in seasons 2 and 3 (primarily demonstrated in her obvious disdain for his romantic interests who were "not good enough for him") and then direct vocal expression in seasons 4 and 5 ("Now that's a man who can mow the lawn" being a prime example). Last night she informed me that Walmart had a great poster of Jack she wants for the house (I imagine the bedroom, though I did not let the discussion proceed to that point), which is a line I will not cross. If she were a teenybopper, posters are fine, but they are not appropriate for middle-aged wives (I do not use the descriptor "middle-aged" prejoratively, as it applies to everyone reading this email--some more so than others).

In the interest of defending my relative lack of adrenaline, testosterone, and "studliness," I would like to make the following ten observations about/comparisons to Jack:

1. Women want security. Women--and by this I mean Jodie--seem to think that Jack is strong, confident, and skilled enough to offer them this security. However, I would like to point out that I have not had a wife killed by a woman I was having an affair with, my children have not been kidnapped repeatedly in one day or caught in traps around wild cougars or taken hostage in airports, and no one in my family has been anywhere near gunfire, much less nuclear explosions. I think it is obvious that being around me makes a woman and her children much safer than being around Jack.

2. Jodie gets concerned by my desire for "alone time" and the fact that I am sometimes gone at night (e.g. for orchestra rehearsal, concerts, etc.). How would she feel if I had to "disappear" for 18 months to avoid prosecution from the Chinese government, or if that same government kidnapped me for 20 months, or if I had to repeatedly work 24 hour days without a chance to call and check in with her, much less meet her and the kids for dinner?

3. Where are Jack's loyalties? I can promise you that if Jodie wanted to kill someone who had hurt her, even though the president had pardoned that person, I would not shoot her.

4. Coffee is my strongest addiction. As opposed to Heroin.

5. Most of my friends are still alive, thus sparing me from PTSD due to repeated important losses (depression due to mid-life crises and feelings of inadequacy is up for grabs, though).

6. I love being around my children and spend much of my time playing with them, helping them with homework, and reading to them. Jack does not know where his daughter is, though that is probably for the best (see point 1).

7. My calls to Jodie are rarely interrupted by calls from the president (though his people may be listening in--we can't be sure).

8. My speaking range is more varied than husky whisper to strained shouting. One may be great for the bedroom, but you'd probably get the other during arguments!

9. Jack's wife can never collect life insurance, because the insurance company will never believe he's dead ("He could come back to life any minute now!")

10. Jodie thinks I'm lax on housework? Try arguing that with Jack: "I know you've worked 24 straight hours, been tortured repeatedly and killed at least once, had to shoot several people and lost your best friend either through death or double-cross, but these dishes won't wash themselves." And doesn't that negate Jodie's central obsession with Jack, that he can "mow the lawn"?

Steve, help me out on this! Jack's not as wonderful as these women seem to think! We don't have that difficult a standard to live up to!

My next task will be determining why I am a better catch than anyone who has "Mc" before their name (e.g. "McDreamy," "McSteamy," "McDreary," whatever else). As soon as I get my triple-grande nonfat Caramel Macchiato and put on some Nickel Creek...